The Nicest Thing

http://www.jango.com/stations/113298293/tunein?proxy_id=43267863&song_id=128590

"The Nicest Thing"

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something


I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style


I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met


I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three


I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep


Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

God help me, but you're right - It's time



 It has taken me more than 4 years to post this.  I have read it over and over again in my *drafts*, every time with tears and an ache that never seems to dull.  I can say goodbye, sure, but it's never really going to be goodbye when you're not here to say it to. 

My heart still aches with the regrets of things unsaid, with the dangling possibilities that were on the line in our last giddy time together before your return to the shitty desert, in those late-night phone calls with your voice in my ear as I nestled under the covers, my heart exploding in happiness that I got to talk to you again when you had so little time on the phone stuck in that stupid far off place... 

I know that I'm supposed to just say one final goodbye and move on, but I still don't know how to do that.  I hate that I'll never know, I hate that I didn't get to choose... more to the point I hate that the choice I regret now is the last one I really got to make with you, when just maybe it could have been so very different if you had ever come home again.  And you know what the worst part for me is?

a little piece of me hates you for dying

I collapsed into myself when you died.  And I tried, I really tried to make it better, to let you go, to move on, but I did a pretty shit job of it to be honest.  I'm not the only one that had to pay for that shit job, either.  Four and a half years later thinking of you still knots my stomach and reduces me to tears and I don't know how to move on, how to let you go, how to let it be, or how to forgive myself for what I've made of it, and what I didn't make of it. 

If it weren't my heart that was broken I'd be full of good advice for what to do to help with the grief, to accept the loss, to let myself truly move on in my heart.  If I weren't as stubborn and thick-headed and stuck I'd listen to someone else's advice, I'd have figured it out by now. 

This weekend I'm going to spend some time in one of those places that touches my heart with peace and love, and I'm bringing you there with me.  I don't know what I think will happen there, but I know that it's time to try, try something, try anything, to make this different in my heart.  I'll never forget you, I'll never really get to say goodbye, and I'll never know what could have been, but somehow I need to let you go love, somewhere within me I know you're telling me it's time, it's time, it's time.... 

So in posting this finally I guess this is me talkin' to God, talkin' to you... praying, asking, hoping, for the strength of heart to be honest and open with myself, enough to be able to forgive myself for being too scared, for not holding on with both hands, for not saying the things I wanted to say, and the strength of spirit to love you and keep you in that little place in my heart while once and for all letting you go and letting my heart move on.

___________The following was written in the Fall of 2006___________

Slain soldier devoted to duty: parents
Last Updated: Thursday, August 3, 2006
| 5:33 PM AT CBC News
"Angela and Tom Reid got the devastating news at 4 a.m., when military officials knocked on their door. Surrounded by family and friends, they read a brief statement to reporters Thursday afternoon, describing their son as a devoted soldier who lived life to the fullest. Angela Reid expected her son home in a few weeks. She spoke to him on Wednesday and said her final words were "continue to be on high alert." She said he supported Canada's decision to stay in Afghanistan and loved the LAV III, the vehicle he was riding in when he died."

"Premier Rodney MacDonald offered his condolences to the Reid family, saying Nova Scotians were proud of the slain soldier's service to Canada. To honour Reid, the premier has ordered flags at Province House and the provincial buildings in Truro to be lowered to half-mast."
"Reid, serving with the 1st Battalion of the Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry in Edmonton, was airlifted to the medical base at Kandahar airfield, where he was pronounced dead. Reid died on one of the deadliest days for Canada so far in the military campaign in Afghanistan. "__________________

"What's goin' on!!?"...  I hear those words echo in my thoughts when I think of you. It has taken me so long to even believe your death to be real, yet here I sit, trying to say good-bye... it's such a good picture of you they posted, but I would give anything to have seen your laughing, smiling face home again, instead of the picture I see plastered everywhere... Loretta called me, you know?  I was away camping when you died, having a great time.  I had just gotten back into the house and had to run for the phone, happy, rejuvinated, suntanned and exhausted after the week away. 

I knew it wasn't good news by the sound of her voice, but I had no idea how bad.  "Chris was killed," she said.  You know in books how people say the world stops?  Well, in that moment my world stopped.  Chris?  Killed?  What Chris?  MY Chris?!  Nononono, that can't be... I collapsed to the floor and I don't remember the next few minutes.  I was so lucky not to be alone, but I don't remember.  Dead.  Not coming home from Afghanistan.  Gone.  Oh god...

So many thoughts flashed through my head... things I'd said, things you'd said, things I wished I had said, things I ached to say to you just one more time, regrets, my eyes filled with my regrets and they spilled over until I was too exhausted to cry any more...

I can certainly say that I had never before, and have never since, met another man anything like you Chris. You made me laugh my head off; you took me 4x4ing until my teeth rattled in my head (your poor trucks!); you're the reason I listen to Johnny Cash and Sublime; you made the best winter camping fires ever; you never left a friend hanging; you showed me how to fix my own car; you stopped to help people you didn't even know; you spoke the truth, even if it hurt; you warmed my frozen toes after sledding; you were always true to who you were; you taught me how to shoot, and you taught me how not to take life (or myself!) too seriously. You helped me keep things more squared away, and I helped you keep things, well, not-quite-so squared away!! Now that you're gone, you have helped me remember not to hold things that should be said until the infinite "tomorrow", lest we not get the chance to say them. Our cross-country drive to see your family in Truro will always be something I tell stories about, I'm glad we had the chance to do it, even cramped in my little car!!

I'm happy that we kept in touch all this time, and that you came down to see me while you were home on leave... I'll always remember your surprise phone calls, and the way you were always looking to find the best part of the situations you were in.  Sorry about the melted chocolate, I should've sent you more chips!!  I know that you wanted to be on this tour, and that you were really driven to be at the front of things, and not hanging back in the shadows. Like I always told you, I was always really proud of you for the way you handled everything the Army threw at you; you never lost yourself.

In a lot of ways I'm sorry that we weren't better matched for the more "long-term" stuff, but I'm really glad that we knew it, and that we ended things without wanting to kill one another. The mini-van and the rest of the schmozzle really weren't going to be our style, yah? I learned so much from you, about life, about love, and about myself. I am greatful for the time that we had together... You were a crazy, fun-loving sweetheart, and my heart aches that you won't be part of the world any more, part of my world. 

For every way that you touched my life, you will always be remembered. I miss you.