Awake

Floating adrift on an endless sea

no line on the horizon

nothingness stretching before me

around me

trying to get inside me

but I am closed off

'you are not welcome'

I say to nothing
closing my eyes
I put my head back
and breathe deeply
waters rolling, rocking me
back to sleep
but wait!
I don't want to go back to sleep!
I remember the work it took
just to wake up
not again, not ever
I close my eyes once more
feet propelling me onward

I picture white sandy beaches
imagine the sand scrunching
between my toes
the sound of waves
breaking on the shore
and transport myself there
walking along the shoreline
feet bare and warmed by the sand
as I walk on
the path turns to pavement

the water and the trees
transform into concrete buildings and cars
the gentle sounds of the water
fade into the noise
of traffic
of life in the city

I'm walking again
shoes sounding on the sidewalk
and I'm home
awake
not quite sure how I got here
or just where I've been
there's sand between my toes
scritching inside my socks
there's seaweed tucked in my ponytail
and water in my ear
the sounds of the sea
seem to follow in my footsteps
and I'm comforted
awake
invoking the beauty of my dreams
to be with me
to fill me
in the hours in between

In Silence

How do I help you know
to believe, to see
that you are not to blame
for me?

Where are the words
that could help you hear
that only your love
kept me going that year?

How do I make
the shape of my soul
visible
so you can see
how much your love
has changed me

You couldn't have loved me better
I couldn't have loved you more

I couldn't have loved you better

You couldn't have loved me more

My heart breaks anew every time
I see the new glimmer in your eyes
dampen and grow dimmer
my untidy reflection
causing you sorrow and pain
my best friend in the world

How do I find the words
to tell you how sorry I am
that I didn't love you better,
that I didn't love you the way you needed,
that I didn't give you more,
that I didn't help you up sooner,
that I didn't make you better,
that I didn't let you in deeper,
that I didn't have the words,
that I didn't know how to be anyone but me,
and that I couldn't have loved you more

How do I tell you, the inside-you,
that you are one of
the strongest and most
beautiful women that
I've ever met
that you are capable
of so many incredible things
in this world
if you only believe it yourself

How do I tell you that
the light that shines from your heart
could make shadows flee
from countless dark corners
and that I know this
as it has chased away mine

For someone who thinks herself
so verbal
so wordy
so talkative
screams come out in silence
and when I reach for words
they duck away from my tongue
hiding in the shadows
and never come
only tears
quiet, lonely, slow, sad, heavy tears

There are no words

and silence is what I'm left with

Wheels turning

Sorrows building

Heart loving

Eyes crying

Soul sighing

Lungs crushing

Silence

A Memory

you surround me

in your

delicate

blossoming dance

of fire and rain

as the night

dissolves

the hurricane in my soul

into the soft blue

whispering shadow

of a beautiful dream

My Attic Door

for safekeeping
for I'll-think-about-it-later-because-I-can't-bear-another-minute-of-it-right-now
for careful, don't lose it this time,
for safe harbour
for out-of-sight-out-of-mind
I put things away
in the attic

last time I put the treasure away
wrapped round with a delicate purple scarf
nestled in with the tiny plastic dancer
latched tight in a small white box
at the bottom of a chest
in the room piled high with chests of treasure
where the dust settles to cover my footprints
as the door is closed
and locked behind me
but my attic door
never stays closed,
even when I'm sure
I locked it
the things put away
can be found in places
where I know
I did not leave them
that is if they can be found again
at all
like love...
last spring I put it away
somewhere safe
wrapped in that soft purple scarf
so it wouldn't get lost
so I could think about it
so I could keep it
and get back to it later
when things were different
or different-er
but I forgot just where I put it
to keep it safe

then I remembered the spot
and rushed back to reclaim it
but the wisps and tendrils had escaped
sneaked out through the cracks
leaving the locket
empty

perhaps I need to look
at getting
that old lock
fixed
clear out
some of
what's waiting for later
because time
really doesn't
matter