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The last time I said I was going overseas to live and travel, one of my friends was upset, saying that he thought I might never come back again. Well, I came back, here I am, so don't worry my dear friend, you were wrong. I've been here for 15 months and a couple of weeks now, and every cell of my being has been screaming for me to get back on the plane, no matter how I tried to convince myself otherwise. I have driven my friends and loved ones crazy with my inner struggle, allowing it out to play. I have quietened the argument, solved it by finally listening to my heart, and making my plans to leave again.
Coming home on someone else's agenda was one problem. I had been living in Korea, teaching and travelling and some kind of happy, and I came home to do what someone else needed to do. I remember the sad longing I felt when I walked alone down what had been "my street" for the past 2 1/2 years, for what was to be the last time. I knew at that time that it wasn't my time to be leaving, but I didn't listen, and I got on the bus, and then the plane back home again. I dipped my feet into the water of what the rest of my life was going to be like if I stayed my course. I spent 6 weeks on this amazing trip, and let it be smothered and marred by fear, loneliness and my caged spirit. I tried on the path of my imagemakers while I was away from home, which I can only think now was the only way to know that I didn't have to choose that path for myself. I don't regret the experience of it all, and I will spare you with the gory details; save to say that I chose my direction, I chose the color of the walls of the box I allowed myself to become caged within, and I sat within it in my gloomy fog, waiting. Thankfully for me, the fog cleared, and I moved back into myself; remembered who I had been, who I was, and who I was trying to become.I have been living in a new city since coming home; I have put myself back together, remembered more about who I am, what I want in my life, and so much more about the things I won't have in my life. I took a job that gave me some really great experience, and taught me more about ways that I sacrifice my dreams in life without seeing it at the time. I met some incredible women, and watched many struggle through their own black skies and torments. I watched others bloom and grow as they came into the knowledge of how strong and incredible they really were, and recognized the force they could become in their own lives. I knew from listening to my own heart that I had done what I had meant to, and that it was time for me to move on to something more. I would like to think that I had some positive influence on the system before I left, and that some of it might continue to carry beyond.
I also found my way into new learnings about how I live my life; the ways I set myself up and knock myself down; the ways I know to make myself shine. I have learned so much in the past year about being part of something bigger, something incredible and universal. When I finally got the piece of knowing that *I* am the one thing that has been constant in all things that happened in my life, I was finally able to let go of some of the painful stories I had been carrying around with me. A wise man told me this summer, that life is not what happens in the minutes, hours and days that pass you by. Life is how you choose to respond to the things that "happen" every day, and how you interact with the world around you in each moment. I see now that I choose in every minute how I am going to handle everything that comes to me. I can fight and stomp, I can smile and laugh, I can scream and cry, I can walk away or I can run toward... it's all up to me. These things define my life; they define me, who I am, and who I am not. Sometimes I still choose the more foolish path; sometimes I still cry when I could laugh, I worry in silence when I could talk, I do nothing when I could spark a huge blaze. But, more often than ever before, I consciously pick up the bat and swing, even if I don't know if I'm going to be able to hit the ball. It's something, not knowing what I will get in response, but doing it the best I know how to anyway... life is so different when I engage with it as an active experience, as something in which I know that I choose my reality, instead of as something that "happens" to me every day.
I have gotten many gifts in my life since coming home as well, that I might never have found if I didn't end up where I am... but those I'll speak to in another post. My heart is aching with the loss of a love and light in my life, but I am reticent in starting something in my head that will take more that I want to give at this moment. So, instead, I'm going to go outside and enjoy the cloudy day, maybe take the puppies to the park or something. The other, I can write of later.
For now, I am off to enjoy the day!
For now, I am off to enjoy the day!
