A New Year is Coming

I am not a resolution-making kind of girl. I used to be. I'd get all excited and gung-ho (where the heck did that word come from?), pick 2 or 3 things that I meant to do better, wanted to do more often, thought should be made more important. Then, with the rest of the crazies around me, I'd struggle through the next 2 months trying to make it all come about. Exercise more. Eat healthier foods. Cut down on the sugar. Get out of the house more often. Stay in better touch with my friends. At the end of a long line of unresolved resolutions I came to the decision that it was silly for me to 'resolve' once a year to be or do something better, especially when it involved a total overhaul of my then-current ways! This is not because I don't think I can be better or do more, but because I am actually trying to do these things year round - not just when it's fashionable! Stubborn, grumpy, and obstinate though I may be at times, I am who I am, and I pretty much just do things the way I do them. While I know some friends (and family members) would like it if I were more 'normal' or predictable or consistent, that's not likely to happen - this is me on my journey of becoming: like it or lump it!!

So instead of making fruitless resolutions at New Years, I have started my own personal tradition over the past few years of doing only 2 particular things:

• 1. I spend a half hour sitting outside in the snow dressed warm-warm-warm on New Year's Day with my back to a big tree (any big tree that seems warm and welcoming). Once I'm comfortable (and my bum has gone numb!) I begin by reflecting on the year gone by, and I think about all of the things over the course of the year that I'm grateful for. I send my thanks out into the universe, and say goodbye to the things of old. Then I think about the coming year, and think of the big dreams I want to come true. I send thoughts of happiness, welcome and refreshment into the universe as I welcome the spirit of the New Year into my heart, reflecting on some of my dreams for the coming year. Call it a conversation with nature and the universe if you will. Since I started this newish tradition for myself it has really helped me set the year off on a nice note; a grateful and happy note.
  
  
• 2. I think about a few new things I would like to do or try in the coming year. Maybe it's baking and decorating gingerbread men, maybe it's learning to change the oil in the new car, maybe it's making a special date with my mom or taking Mags swimming in a lake. I try not to make the things on the list too big and complicated - mostly I make the list to keep me thinking about the wonderful things the future brings.

This year I have just started thinking about my list - early even! Those things I rattled off up top actually seem like a good start, so maybe I'll start there... time to start building my list!

My Reminder from the Universe

You may already know that one of my favorite things in the world that's online is the TUT Adventurer's Club website. Days when I feel kinda down and uninspired I take a spin over to their site to see what's new. This year they've put out a calendar, which I have just finished ordering (yay!!). Personally I can think of someone who would've done a way cooler job on the artwork, but hey, it still looks nice!

Here is my favorite quote (taken from the May calendar page), and the thing I was most in need of hearing today (the baby is just an online extra)...

You don't have to take everything so seriously.

Reality isn't black and white,
answers aren't always yes or no,
and absolutely nothing has to happen today.

Act when you're ready.
Be led by your feelings.

And the next time someone wants to fit you into a mold,

just tell 'em that your jeans are in the wash,

your angels are at the mall,

and Oprah's on the other line.

The Universe

(Oh, and sorry about the double and triple-postings... I don't always remember to spell-check before I hit 'publish' and then I obsessively need to go back and fix it!)

Believing in the Magic

A friend posted something on her page about the slip from her mom that confirmed for her that Santa wasn't real, and it got me to thinking about my own story... My parents wanted me to belive, they did their best to spin the holiday magic and never said a word, but my need to control and in be in-the-know about everything made it so that I could no longer believe in the magic of Christmas...

Being particularly snoopy (even when I was little!), I always used to search the house for presents my mom had hidden. They were hidden in the closets up on the shelf, under the bed, in the pantry, sometimes in the trunk of the car. I was relentless really, there was nowhere I wouldn't find them. I don't know what started this manic frenzy every year. Sometimes I would coax the tape off to find out what was hidden beneath the wrapping, sometimes it was enough just to hold them and shake them and put them back. I never knew if my mom knew that I used to obsess about it the way I did - I kinda hope that she didn't!

When I was 6, I found the presents for my brother and I that were to be from Santa - beautifully wrapped, and tucked up in the basement rafters (after scrambling atop an old kitched chair that I'd put on top of the old deep freeze). At first I was thoughtful about it, maybe this is how Santa got to everyone's house... dropped things off early? Upon closer examination, I noticed that his handwriting and mom's handwriting were the same - no just similar - the same! Tears stung my eyes, I was disappointed. Even though I was seaching for clues to the truth of Santa, I really didn't want to find out that it was all pretend. I tucked everything back in the rafters, climbed down, stowed the chair back in the storage room, and put on my first 'pretend' happy face at the tree on Christmas morning. I never said anything to my mom until many years later.

Then there was the form letter that the post office sends you when you write a letter to Santa... I remember the first one I opened, my little hands shook I was so caught up in the excitement, magic, and disbelief that I could be so lucky - Santa wrote me a letter back, and it even had my name on it! The next year I was less excited... I noticed that the letter had Name:__________ on the top of it, and because I opened the envelope (before my mom thought to intervene) the name slot was blank. I remember thinking "Oh, this is one of those grown up things that they do to make us feel special... Santa really couldn't write back to all of us, of course that's just silly!" In the final year of my letters to Santa when the reply arrived I noticed that not only did it not have my name on top, but it was exactly the same as the letter my brother got, and identical to the one I had just pulled out of the Christmas box from the year before. Either the letter wasn't really from Santa, or Santa was really lazy and thoughtless. Harumph! Disgusted, I crumpled it up and put it in the trash. That was the same year I found the presents in the rafters.


Even now I recognize that truth about myself, that I often go looking for answers that I don't really want - and then I'm disappointed when I find them. I don't like not knowing, and even though it takes away some of the fun of the moment, I have this incessant need to know everything I can know, to understand what's behind the magic and mystery in the world.

One thing I'm coming away from this year with is knowing that sometimes it's best to just be wrapped up in the magic of the moment, without concern for the how and why of getting there, or what makes things 'just so.' Knowing how and why doesn't always make it better or more meaningful. I remind myself again, I don't need to know how, I don't need to know why... it's magic! Think less, feel more! And I think that if you believe in your heart that something is good and true and real (even if you can't explain it!) then it becomes true. So I believe... in magic, in mystery and wonder, and in the infinte goodness of the universe - especially at this time of year.

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My "Universe" message from today...

If it's not yet obvious to you, the real reason for this, and all seasons, is you, Shauna. A more perfect child of the Universe has never lived. Until now, only celebrations cloaked in myth and mystery could hint at your divine heritage and sacred destiny. You are life's prayer of becoming and its answer. The first light at the dawn of eternity, drawn from the ether, so that I might know my own depth, discover new heights, and revel in seas of blessed emotion.

A pioneer into illusion, an adventurer into the unknown, and a lifter of veils. Courageous, heroic, and exalted by legions in the unseen.

To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity - traits of the immortal - your badges of honor. May you wear them with a pride as great as the immeasurable pride we feel for you.

Your light has illuminated darkened paths, your gaze has lifted broken spirits, and already your life has changed the course of history.

This is the time of year we celebrate you.
Supercoolhappylovething, you are, Shauna.
Bowing before Greatness,
The Universe


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I hope that the mystery, magic and wonder of the holiday season bring you happiness, joy and hopefulness to last to whole year through... Merry Christmas!

Simple Smiles

I took the dog for a walk this morning. Small thing, I know, but it felt really good to go out and about town with her. She was all snuggled up in her warm Sunday best (yes, I make her wear a little plaid flannel coat so she doesn't get cold, she's so tiny!), and everywhere we went people smiled from ear to ear to see her prancing along at the end of the leash. One man, warming up in his big sport utility vehicle with his wife and children rolled down the window to ask, "Are you sure you can handle him?" with a smile. We didn't take offence to the 'him' comment, I chopped off all her hair last weekend and now she kinda does look like a boy, sorry pup! It made me smile to see so many other people smiling at such a simple thing. Later today I'll take a picture of her so you can smile too (or laugh at me, haha, whichever works)... Have a beautiful day, I hope something makes you smile.

Heart

I am a heart divided. In one moment I am whole and content, living the life in my head rather than the one of my body. I see, I feel, I walk and I breathe as though I have taken the steps I know I need to, as though the difficult conversations have been had, and life is moving onward, toward healing and being whole. I can breathe, I take joy in the sunlight and the wind, in early morning bird calls and the sound of a favorite song on the radio.

Then

I trip

over some imaginary cord

and I'm

jolted

back into the life I'm truly living.

Decisions have been made but they lay inert. Conversations avoided once again, heavy, silent tears in the shower after an endless night of staring at the darkened ceiling overhead. Everything about me is weighted. At home I lead a dark cloud around with me that eats laughter and lightness and joy.

Am I depressed?

No, I don't think it's depression.

I think I'm disappointed.

Sadly and sorely disappointed.

I'm disappointed in myself for the way I'm living my life, for the decisions I make but don't put life behind, and for running in fear. I'm disappointed in myself that I can talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. I value openness and trust, kindness and honesty, but fear keeps me frozen and unable to act.

As I would tell anyone I love in the same position, I know that by choosing not to act I'm doing more harm than good, to us both, but it seems there's always one more reason why I should wait... a few more days, a week, until the end of the month... waiting, waiting, waiting. A family holiday, a medical checkup, a test, illness, a weekend plan, the list has potential to go on and on.

I have stopped writing. The same old story rolls through my head after nearly 6 months have gone by, and even I am tired of hearing the refrain on it's circuit through my mind and my heart. I've stopped being present in my life because I don't know what to say. If I am honest, it isn't even that I don't know what to say, it's that I don't want to say it. Don't want to be the cause of hurt and pain and disappointment and heartache, don't want to be added to a list of disappointments, though I know that is where this ends... for now.

The lifeforce energy of this Saturday
is one of heart... the universe conspires
with us all to act, speak, love and live
from 'heart.' I pray that I will wake up
Saturday morning to find the strength of
heart to return to myself with love, faith
and courage to be open, honest and kind
once again, so that I can once again
start to live my life
with heart.

AWOL

I have been awful at writing over this past week and a half... not that I haven't had lots going on in my head (that's still exploding all over the place, all dressed up with nowhere to go).

I was away for the Thanksgiving long weekend and working on a school project (due today that I started on Tuesday, eek!) this week. The 1/2 hour presentation for the assessment tool I was teaching went well tonight (woohoo, it's done!), and now only 4 more assignments before the end of the term, ugh! I have to say that I'm pretty sure I have procrastination down to a science, and the universe has been kind enough to supply me with class partners who function in the same manner... thank you Universe!!

This weekend I will come back again, to read the blogs that are starting to be as comfortable as old slippers, and write in the blog that I started to love writing in... more then, I promise!!!

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!

My favorite website in the whole world is TUT's Adventurer's Club. Every (weekday) morning I get a little nugget of wisdom from the Universe in my inbox that reminds me to try to see the world in a new way, not to get caught up in the toil and drudgery, and to do what I need to do to be happy. Here are a few of my latest favorites (If you think this is pretty cool too you can join the mailing list, or just check out their fun site if you click on the Universe)...

Did you know, that in your gorgeous little planet's entire history, there's never been a drought that didn't end? A storm that didn't clear? Lightning that didn't retreat? An earthquake that didn't still? A flood that didn't recede? Or a plague that wasn't, eventually, overwhelmed by the healthy? Now, as a rule, I'm not into odds, statistics, or gambling, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that something's going on down there; that the deck is clearly stacked; and that you've got friends in some very, very, very high places.

     HIT ME, BABY! The Universe


Do you know why dogs are so quick to wag their tails and cats are so quick to purr? Even the ones that have been lonely, abused, and betrayed? Because, as is true of all animals, they were instilled with the distant awareness that no matter what the world shows them, they're still deeply loved and needed, that their presence alone has made a difference, and that in just the shake of a leg, seemingly without reason or rhyme, everything can FANTASTICALLY change for the better. As is true of all people, except sometimes they tend to forget.
     Purrfectly, The Universe


It's truly a sight to see, when the inhabitants of any planetary civilization cross the tipping point and begin to individually accept complete and eternal responsibility for their own happiness. Yet, this hardly compares to the mountain quaking, body shaking, polarity-flipping, hero-making occurrences that transpire when such inhabitants graduate to accepting complete and eternal responsibility for their every twinge of unhappiness. 
     Brings tears to my eyes... The Universe

There will always be people in your life who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you've done for them. But, of course, they're just there to teach you that you do have time, that you'll always be rich, and that your own high standards are all that matter.

     You knew that, The Universe

Every single minute of every single day, they're there. They may be hidden behind circumstances, people, or light poles. Challenges, closed doors, or lost keys. Camouflaged, dovetailed, or whispering. Purring, kissing, or hissing. But more often than not they're laying about in the open, under a clear blue sky, in plain view. Absolutely. Guaranteed. You'd throttle me otherwise.... 10,000 reasons to be happy.
     Jumanji, baby - The Universe

Relax. Breathe in deep. Hold it. Let it out. Loosen your shoulders. Smile. Close your eyes. And you'll be surprised at how many voices you'll hear, whispering sweet encouragement into your ear.
     Kissey, kissey, you can do it! The Universe

C'ya September

I've actually done something I set out to do for a whole month straight... happy me!

Awake

Floating adrift on an endless sea

no line on the horizon

nothingness stretching before me

around me

trying to get inside me

but I am closed off

'you are not welcome'

I say to nothing
closing my eyes
I put my head back
and breathe deeply
waters rolling, rocking me
back to sleep
but wait!
I don't want to go back to sleep!
I remember the work it took
just to wake up
not again, not ever
I close my eyes once more
feet propelling me onward

I picture white sandy beaches
imagine the sand scrunching
between my toes
the sound of waves
breaking on the shore
and transport myself there
walking along the shoreline
feet bare and warmed by the sand
as I walk on
the path turns to pavement

the water and the trees
transform into concrete buildings and cars
the gentle sounds of the water
fade into the noise
of traffic
of life in the city

I'm walking again
shoes sounding on the sidewalk
and I'm home
awake
not quite sure how I got here
or just where I've been
there's sand between my toes
scritching inside my socks
there's seaweed tucked in my ponytail
and water in my ear
the sounds of the sea
seem to follow in my footsteps
and I'm comforted
awake
invoking the beauty of my dreams
to be with me
to fill me
in the hours in between

The Jump Seat

S was driving, and I was going out of my mind. We were going really fast on foggy late night roads with lots of curves, steep hills, and occasional cliffs on either side. Tearing around corners and leaving ht pavement over bumps, small towns flew by out the window in a blur. Instead of actually looking at the road (or driving), she was turned fully around in her seat trying to talk to me (for some reason I was in the jump seat in the back). I was yelling and screaming that she needed to look at the road, she needed to turn back around and drive before we crashed into something in her shiny new red truck. She told me she knew what she was doing and I was overreacting, she didn’t need to look at the road to drive. I tuned her voice out, she was trying to have a “serious conversation” with me but I couldn’t listen to her, my terror in my throat, my blood pumping in my ears. I hadn’t been wearing my seatbelt, and I struggled around a number of turns and curves to get it on, it was all I could see, but I couldn’t get it to catch. My heartbeat could be felt in every part of my body and I was sobbing, shaking my head, and pushing her away from me at each turn as I struggled with the seatbelt and she tried to get my attention again. Glimpses out the windshield showed trees and cliffs whizzing past the window, and branches scraped the side of the truck at every corner. She patronized me, rolled her eyes and reached an arm behind her to put one hand on the wheel while still turned around, away from the road, away from the cliffs, away from the dangers as the truck went faster and faster. She was nowhere near the brakes, and I was still int he back. Something was wrong with my fingers, I couldn’t get them to work properly, maybe I couldn’t see through my tears, the belt wouldn’t lock, wouldn’t click, I was sure I was going to die in a fiery car wreck. Finally the lock “CLICK”ed and I closed my eyes, gripping the belt for all I was worth. I could finally draw air into my lungs, which were on fire, and I woke bolt upright in bed gasping for breath, my heart beating in my ears, my fists tightly clenched to my chest and my clothes drenched in sweat.

Grrrowl

It’s not good to bring your personal problems to work, especially when you work with other people as part of your job. You're supposed to tuck them away in a neat little box that you keep under the kitchen sink, where your problems can wait and wind themselves up until you get back to them after work. I know this, and I believe it’s right and true most of the time – but you know what? Some days I just really don’t care.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t get enough sleep. Maybe I wasn’t careful enough leaving the house to make sure the dark fuzzy forms of my 'personal problems' weren’t still glommed on to the bottoms of my socks or tucked away deep in my pockets, but they are sneaky little pests. They found their way to work with me this morning, and I can't seem to get away from the little bastards.

I am not happy, and I am not having a good day, and though it’s very early in the day for that kind of attitude that’s where I’m at. I don't care if you don't like it. I don’t feel like smiling, I don’t feel like laughing at stupid jokes, I don’t care about what lame boring things my coworkers did on their weekends, and I don’t feel like putting on my rose-colored glasses so I can get through the day. This isn’t my normal state, normally I can smile and nod with the best of them, keeping my eyes from glazing over, sometimes even interested in what went on. Today is not one of those days.

Luckily for me my patient had the courtesy to be late in her return to the hospital from her weekend at home, though the family didn’t bother to let us know, so I don’t actually have to see anyone until 1pm. I can work on my behavioural notes from last week and stew. Maybe by 1 o’clock I’ll be able to scrape these guys off the bottoms of my socks and pick them out of the dark corners of my pockets so I care about what’s going on here again more than what’s going on in my grumpy head.

Think it'll be best to take some time to myself tonight. Well, just me and the dark fuzzy bad guys. Are you listening fuzzies? You, me, outside at the bike racks after school. Grrrowl...

Still Something

She's going to be 19 next week. She plans to be back in university next year. She was out riding her horse when it spooked and bucked, giving her whiplash. She was thrown to the ground, layed there unable to move for over an hour. Her horse returned to the farm without her, and dad came out to find her. She can hardly see, her ataxia makes her movements jerky and hard to control - but she still texts her friends all day long on her cell phone (with a magnifying glass held up to her face). Her voice is flat and her sense of humour is sarcastic. She doesn't know why she just can't go home, she's fine you know, don't I see there's nothing wrong with her? Same as before the accident she says. She'll never be what she was, but she's still something.

He's only 28, soon going to be 29. He's married, they have a one-year old child. He's been here almost a month. He just. stopped. breathing. one night and his wife found him, EMTs came and rushed him to the hospital. Some type of cardiac arrest. Only activity seen was in the brain stem (our base base base brain). He was supposed to die, but he has lived, and he continues to fight. He's pretty much blind, and he can't stand or walk. He's getting stronger, his eyes squeeze shut and his whole body shakes and jolts when he laughs after telling me a bad joke. He'll never be what he was, but he's still something.

She just turned 20. She's been here nearly a year. Pictures of her 'before' are all over her wall. With her friends. Her brother. Her parents. Her graduation class. Happy, lovely, excited, long blonde hair, fully alive. She'll probably never walk, and she hates her chair. She's angry. She gives me the finger about a hundred times a month, and then tries to laugh. She can get out a few words now. The first word I heard her say was 'hi', the second was 'motherfucker'. We're friendly. She was riding in the car driven by her ex-boyfriend (ex for a good reason), home for summer after her first year away at univesity. She was going to be a teacher. He had been drinking, they were arguing. She was more confident after being away at university. She didn't want to get back together, told him she hated him for being so mean to her, and that she would never take him back. He missed a turn and drove the car off a cliff. He walked away. She doesn't remember anything that happened up to a month before the accident. She wonders why he doesn't visit. She loves him. She'll never be what she was, but she's still something.

She's 24. She's been here for 8 days, but she swears adamantly that it's been at least 4 months, and that she's going home next week. She smiles and laughs but her eyes and her voice are just flat, like a robot. She was in the car on a family vacation, summer off from nursing school. The car flipped. Everyone else was ok, enough. Her arm is in a sling, and her mind is like a mixed-up puzzle, the pieces put together in a way that doesn't make sense. She tries to make order out of it. She thinks she has made order out of it - what do I know, maybe she has. She talks and walks, and if you didn't know you'd never guess. Unless you actually listened. She'd never guess. She hasn't yet. She'll never be what she was, but she's still something.

Some days it is harder to work here than others. Coming in is a daily reminder about how lucky I am in life, and how quickly your luck can run out - no matter what kind of person you are in life. What keeps me coming back is knowing that where there was once no sparkle and shine, where there were no words, where there was no clarity, there's still something that can be coaxed out into the light. And while it might not make a person what they were, they're still something.

When I Grow Up...

When I grow up I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies
When I grow up I wanna see the world ,Drive nice cars, I wanna have groupies
When I grow up Be on TV, People know me, Be on magazines
When I grow up Fresh and clean , #1 chick when I step out on the scene

This song is stuck in my head, I love it (bad, I know!). What about me and when I grow up? God knows I don't feel the need to be on TV or on the cover of a magazine (I am a junior high modelling school dropout!). I'm in such dithers about a career path though. In the generation of my parents, you chose a job out of high school (or got one after college if you were lucky enough to go) and kinda stuck it out, loyal to your job and employer through 'til retirement. Me, I'm not built that way. I want my job to be challenging, to make me think, to learn new things, to help me grow and change. I have had some great jobs, and I have worked with some incredible people, but as of yet there is still nothing that feels quite right. It feels almost as though I am going through jobs figuring out exactly what I *don't* want to do for a living!

When I decided to go to university I knew I would go into a psychology program. I graduated high school knowing I wanted to be a psychologist. After a few volunteer positions that allowed me to do some counselling, I left knowing that I definitely didn't want to counsel adults (too dead end and draining for me), but I was still really interested in doing counseling of some kind with kids. After getting 1/2way through my master's in school psychology I continue on knowing that I don't want to be a school psychologist (too limiting in effect and opportunity). I am D E E P L Y    I N T RI G U E D with thoughts of doing trauma counselling with children, and am currently investigating how best to get into that kind of field. How on earth though will I know if that is going to be what I'm looking for?

The perfect career will:

• be something that lets me help kids and their families
• allow me to work a normal amount of hours in a week
• pay well enough to live comfortably and be active and independent
• afford me the time (flexibility) and money to travel
• allow me to participate in workshops through the year that were interesting, inspiring, and relevant
• give me opportunities to travel for work
• always present a 'next big thing' to learn and get good at

Keepin' my eyes peeled, in case the time comes when I decide it's time to grow up.

In Silence

How do I help you know
to believe, to see
that you are not to blame
for me?

Where are the words
that could help you hear
that only your love
kept me going that year?

How do I make
the shape of my soul
visible
so you can see
how much your love
has changed me

You couldn't have loved me better
I couldn't have loved you more

I couldn't have loved you better

You couldn't have loved me more

My heart breaks anew every time
I see the new glimmer in your eyes
dampen and grow dimmer
my untidy reflection
causing you sorrow and pain
my best friend in the world

How do I find the words
to tell you how sorry I am
that I didn't love you better,
that I didn't love you the way you needed,
that I didn't give you more,
that I didn't help you up sooner,
that I didn't make you better,
that I didn't let you in deeper,
that I didn't have the words,
that I didn't know how to be anyone but me,
and that I couldn't have loved you more

How do I tell you, the inside-you,
that you are one of
the strongest and most
beautiful women that
I've ever met
that you are capable
of so many incredible things
in this world
if you only believe it yourself

How do I tell you that
the light that shines from your heart
could make shadows flee
from countless dark corners
and that I know this
as it has chased away mine

For someone who thinks herself
so verbal
so wordy
so talkative
screams come out in silence
and when I reach for words
they duck away from my tongue
hiding in the shadows
and never come
only tears
quiet, lonely, slow, sad, heavy tears

There are no words

and silence is what I'm left with

Wheels turning

Sorrows building

Heart loving

Eyes crying

Soul sighing

Lungs crushing

Silence

Desiderata (Things to Be Desired)

One of my favorite writings, and some current musings it brings up for me... reminders about the way I want to live my life...

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

When I allow myself a return to the silence I remember what it is to be peaceful, to 'go with the flow', and the align myself with the energy of the universe... don't get caught up with it all, go within.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

No grudge bearing, no sniping and gossipping, so holding on to old wounds and old weapons. Without sacrificing who I am and what I need I will do my best to treat people well, with respect and kindness.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Shallow brooks are noisy, so run deep. I try to remember that I don't have to hit people over the head with truths that are my own in order to be understood. It is me that needs to understand, me that needs to have heart in what I believe. When working at being on good terms with all persons I have had the chance to listen to some I would say are dull and ignorant, and sometimes they teach the bigger lessons.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

Peolpe who are unable to see the beauty in everyday life and in others around them are no longer invited to sit at my campfire... there is something incredible everywhere I look, and I want that to be surrounded by those who help me to see it...
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Though I might have a higher education and be priviledged in the kind of life I live, I see people all around me who have more, do better, have survived worse and come through better. I'm in this life for me, and just for me, that's what I'm learning is important. "You'd worry less what other people thought of you if you knew how seldom they did," one of my favorite quotes.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

I am working on finding enjoyment in finishing something, achieving something, and not just getting lost in the scramble down the next path. I am all about the journey, but sometimes I forget entirely about the destination... take some time to look around and appreciate what's been accomplished before moving on...
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

As much as I know that I'm supposed to keep telling myself "I am not what I do, I am more than what I do", 'what I do' is an important part of who I am. Much of my self-confidence comes from being successful and respected in my work. My success at work depends on being able to maintain my interest in the job. I am interested in what I do when I feel challenged and excited by the work I'm doing. It's important me to find challenge in what I do.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Thank god there is so much virtue in the world around me, or I might actually lose my mind. I never lose sight that there are heroes everywhere in my life. I see them every day at work, the patients, their families and loved ones, the people who come to work every day to work with a population as challenging as those with brain injuries... the world may be full of trickery, and it's not the 'best plan' to run headlong unawares into new situations, but I see the world to generally be a good place.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Do not feign affection... so maybe that means be true to what you really think and how you really feel. Be honest, be real, be you. Don't give up on love, it is all around in so many forms if you only allow yourself to be open to it. This is not the easiest on the list, but it is surely something I desire to be/do.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Listen to your mom, she knows what she's talking about - and stop leaving your socks in the middle of the floor, there's nobody here to clean up after you! Surrending the things of youth... only to a point though. I know things have to change the older we get, we have to be responsible, have to be reliable and dependable, have to contribute to society, but I will try to make sure I only surrender the things that keep me from making wonderful things happen in my life... I give away my past hurts, old grudges, dusty fears, and pig-headed deafness... In exchange I embrace an open heart, a lighter outlook, and a more positive dream of life and living.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

I know that bad things happen to good people, and that despite the best laid plans things can get away from you and go awry. However, it does no good to surround yourself with worries about the terrible things that could go wrong, or the bad things that could happen. I will take care of myself, nourish my spirit and replenish my heart at every opportunity so that I don't have to live a life of fear and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Okay critical little nay-ssayer that lives in my head sometimes, are you listening now? I'm just human. I will try to do the best I can in all situations. I will try to be my best as often as humanly possible, but I am not going to be perfect, and I don't have to be perfect. These things that seem like mistakes and failures in the moment are just things that lead to bigger, brighter, and more beautiful days ahead... everything happens for a reason (yes, even that guy up there who cut you off, it happened for a reason, just breeeeeeeeeathhhhhhhhe).

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive God to be.

Some days I think it's all God's fault, other days I don't really have an opinion about God in the big picture. I know that what it all boils down to is that I am responsible for directing the energy I put out into the universe. What comes back to me is whatever I invited with my thoughts and actions. Think well of life, do well with life, good things will come.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Take a moment in the day to close your eyes and remember that there are incredibly beautiful things in this life, in this world. Pictures something beautiful that makes your heart happy to be alive. There is always something to bring myself back to.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The most simple and the most difficult, summed up in one. A commitment to myself... Though I may not always be a chipper soul, I will work to have a positive outlook on the world. I will strive to be happy in life, no matter what else.

Certainly a list of things that I desire to be part of my way of life, as easy as breathing. Wishing you peace, happiness and beauty as you go through your day... S.

A Memory

you surround me

in your

delicate

blossoming dance

of fire and rain

as the night

dissolves

the hurricane in my soul

into the soft blue

whispering shadow

of a beautiful dream

Old Friends

An old friend got in touch with me yesterday. It's been 15 years since we last spoke, nearly. He said he came across my grad school bio last week online (not sure how he fell across that little tidbit!), and decided to look me up on good ole' Facebook. There are 2 people with my name on their server (the other is from London and has decidedly different features from me), so at that point it likely wasn't that hard to find me.

I was touched that he thought to look me up.

We were good friends, great friends you might say, but not long-time friends. He was someone I had a short, fun, exciting and crazy intense relationship with. I genuinely liked him. We met online, and talked for hours and hours over months. I remember being exhausted in classes some days because we had stayed up all night talking. Talking, talking, talking. I flew to the other end of the continent over my freshman winter vacation to spend it with him (my first time travelling outside the country).

He was going to UCLA at the time, he was interested in politics, he made me laugh, he was interested in me and he was smart - and he made me feel smart, beautiful and sexy. He was good for me. I remember the nervous feeling in my stomach as I was getting off the plane to meet him, all the questions racing around in my head (mostly about my level of sanity!!)... he met me at the airport with a rose, (I wasn't hard to impress at 18!), and we stayed at his loft in LA. He showed me all around the city, took me on my first trip to Disneyland, Hollywood, Venice beach... it was an incredible vacation (thank you student loans people!), and I remember it with nothing but fondness (and a bit of pink flush in cheeks, even now).

We had a fantastic time together, and after that we didn't really stay in touch (I don't remember that we did, anyway, beyond the requisite 'thank you card' type of follow up). I think of him occasionally, wonder how he's been. I come across photos occasionally in my piles of pictures... my fresh, young 18-year old self, blonde hair blowing beside the ocean, all excited about life and carefree... navel pierced and belly bared beneath a cropped tshirt... jeans barely hanging onto slim hips... confident and beautiful... smiling into the camera he was holding, a real smile behind my sparkling eyes... I look at the pictures now and again, and I smile, remembering how it felt to be me...

Life moved on for both of us, as it does, and we grew up... he spent some time in the army (a lot of time actually, surprised me, that one!), got married, got divorced, finished university, had a bunch of different jobs, and now he's taking care of his father and working on being a writer (something in the California water, I think). Such different stories from ones I thought he might have had. And then again maybe not so different underneath it all...

How does he see me, after our brief reacquaintence? How does he remember our time together, I wonder? Men and women have such different outlooks, different perspectives on life, on people. I'd like to hear about that time in our lives through his eyes...

Personal Development Day

Today at work I did a Myers-Briggs workshop that told my bosses how Carl Jung might explain the 'psychology of me', and how I best work (i.e. how the management can best use me to their advantage). Results were (unfortunately for them!) that I was likely to be insubordinate if I didn't support the authority line and they didn't have my 'buy-in', and that I am likely just to ignore the rules when I don't feel they suit me and do what is most interesting/useful to me - ha!  Maybe I shouldn't have gone to the workshop,they were pretty oblivious before! Too late... When I got home I checked out some free online versions to see if I would get the same thing, and I totally did (but I found so much more about how my personality style affects the way I live my life). 

So who knew it, but I'm an ISTP... can you even pronounce that?!  Last time I was in a job that did this workshop I was an INFP, which didn't really resonate with my own feelings about the kind of person I was, but this one is bang on, almost in that "twilight zone theme song" kinda way... keeping company with Clint Eastwood, James Dean, Bruce Lee, and Katharine Hepburn, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh....

Since I spent most of my day at work after the workshop looking up information related to my profile I can say that today was a particularly informative 'personal developement' day (thank you work!)! Much food for thought about how I deal with life, and particularly about what's going on right now in my relationship and the way I'm handling it... as well as about why I can never seem to 'stay put' once the challenge is past or it just doesn't make sense to stay. I would encourage you to spend a day obsessing, and see what you might learn about yourself... 

ISTPs can be very intense and exciting individuals. Their strong Thinking preference makes them seem rather aloof and "hard to get". Their Sensing and Perceiving preferences make them sensual, earthy individuals, which makes them attractive to the opposite sex. ISTPs live entirely in the current moment, which makes them especially interested in new sensations and experiences. They strongly dislike routine and strict schedules, and resist being controlled by others.

They are fiercely independent and need their own space within a relationship. When involved in relationships which provide for their basic needs and which present them with new experiences, the ISTP will be happy to do what's necessary to keep the relationship alive and well. If a relationship becomes boring or oppressive to the ISTP, they will try to fix it, or move on. ISTPs take their commitments on a day-by-day basis. Even if they say "I do", it usually means "I do for now". They do not like to make lifelong commitments, although they may very well be involved in lifelong relationships which they have taken one day at a time.

 This is just a snippet of what you might find online if you look up your own profile, but no need to drown you in my own details so I'll stop there.

It's been really interesting for me. My biggest obstacle in ending my relationship, which I have been 'trying' to do for the past 2 months, is that I can't come up with a clear and concrete description for why I know it isn't going to work, and she just plows through asking me to give it another month, and I say nothing... I just know why it's done, I can't explain it, and she wants more than that. I can say that I feel a little less 'romantically stunted' after learning some more things that make sense about how I am in life, and I understand a bit better why I'm having trouble making it clear even though I'm not shifting from my own position... where was Jung in my life 10 years ago??? Wait... stuck in the back of a useless textbook in a second-hand bookstore... oops again...

A very simple version of the test (5 minutes or less) can be found here, and a longer test can be found here (10 minutes max). I only mentioned the free ones, there are some great pay sites as well if you just google. Once you know your type, information is really available everywhere online to find out more about it (this site is pretty good!).

The area that stands out most for me is the reminder that I'm an 'in the moment' liver of life (person who lives, not icky detoxing organ, ugh), but I do what's right for me, what I know to be right, because it's right for me. I used to know this about myself, and I've covered it in a fine layer of glitter and sand.. I need to get back to that part of me now...

P.S. One site also suggested that I was likely to be almost freaky about how often I needed to change my blog layout and colours and such so I stay involved with it, so sorry for those of you who like to come to the same place every time you stop by... I just can't do it!!!  :)