Heart

I am a heart divided. In one moment I am whole and content, living the life in my head rather than the one of my body. I see, I feel, I walk and I breathe as though I have taken the steps I know I need to, as though the difficult conversations have been had, and life is moving onward, toward healing and being whole. I can breathe, I take joy in the sunlight and the wind, in early morning bird calls and the sound of a favorite song on the radio.

Then

I trip

over some imaginary cord

and I'm

jolted

back into the life I'm truly living.

Decisions have been made but they lay inert. Conversations avoided once again, heavy, silent tears in the shower after an endless night of staring at the darkened ceiling overhead. Everything about me is weighted. At home I lead a dark cloud around with me that eats laughter and lightness and joy.

Am I depressed?

No, I don't think it's depression.

I think I'm disappointed.

Sadly and sorely disappointed.

I'm disappointed in myself for the way I'm living my life, for the decisions I make but don't put life behind, and for running in fear. I'm disappointed in myself that I can talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. I value openness and trust, kindness and honesty, but fear keeps me frozen and unable to act.

As I would tell anyone I love in the same position, I know that by choosing not to act I'm doing more harm than good, to us both, but it seems there's always one more reason why I should wait... a few more days, a week, until the end of the month... waiting, waiting, waiting. A family holiday, a medical checkup, a test, illness, a weekend plan, the list has potential to go on and on.

I have stopped writing. The same old story rolls through my head after nearly 6 months have gone by, and even I am tired of hearing the refrain on it's circuit through my mind and my heart. I've stopped being present in my life because I don't know what to say. If I am honest, it isn't even that I don't know what to say, it's that I don't want to say it. Don't want to be the cause of hurt and pain and disappointment and heartache, don't want to be added to a list of disappointments, though I know that is where this ends... for now.

The lifeforce energy of this Saturday
is one of heart... the universe conspires
with us all to act, speak, love and live
from 'heart.' I pray that I will wake up
Saturday morning to find the strength of
heart to return to myself with love, faith
and courage to be open, honest and kind
once again, so that I can once again
start to live my life
with heart.