Choices

After some time I decided to make a big move, changing continents, exchanging one culture for another, returning to an old favorite place. I thought it was interesting when I arrived (after the jetlag wore off and I could think in complete sentences) how much differently I see things between one place and another. In relationships, for example, it is almost as though I stop being who I am, melting into some other, different thing, forgetting to do the things needed to be whole, complete and happy. After a much broiled over process I chose to end my relationship in the hopes that we can both be happier and healthier apart, not holding any space for renewal or rekindling, but perhaps enough space for friendship in some time.


A few days ago now I went out for a short visit with some old friends. Friends whose closeness I sacrificed at the time in the name of my relationship, for someone who wanted me all to himself and in the end wasn't worth it, on any level. I felt regret on seeing them again, for what I had lost in the passing, for what could have been and wasn't. I also felt glad that there's room and time enough in life to make changes, try again, do things differently.


It's hard to believe it's already been 10 days since I left, it seems like only a day has passed; in the same breath it's hard to believe that it's only been 10 days since I left, it seems a lifetime... I've been thinking a lot in this bevvy of time to myself, about all of the times I've started to come into my own, into who I am, who I wanted to be, and the ways I let my relationships at the time, most often the romantic ones, take over my life and redirect me from the path that would lead me back to myself, to the things I value. I have been doing this since I was 15 really, and it both saddens and frustrates me to see the pattern and the way I have repeated and repeated it over time, as though my feet couldn't lift themselves from the ruts I'd created.


It's time now, to stand up, get out of the ruts, and walk a new path. Time to take responsibility for this life of mine; for who I am, and who I'm not; for who I want to be, and who I do not; for what I want to do, and what I do not. Time to go to bed for the night, and wake up in the morning back inside myself. Time to take a look around the inside and the outside and take stock of how it is, how it was, and how I want it to be.


While I do the best I can in the moment with what I have, I want to do better and I want to be more of that woman who shines in the back of my mind, that image of the kind of person I deserve to be in the world. Everything happens as it does for good reason, and choices appear when they're needed, so I'm making mine... I choose me... no more others, me... I choose me.

I Am a Fearless Flower

My note from the Universe this morning reminded me, that I am a fearless flower...

A super-secret, double-reminder for all fearless flowers:

If you but soak up the sunlight you are given,
drink each drop of water I send,
and strive only to be yourself,
life shall quicken in your roots,
spirit shall raise you into the light,
and your bloom will inspire the world.

You see, Shauna... I do all the hard stuff!

The Universe