It's Official

I’m 31

& I’m

Officially

A Quitter

_________

Enough! I have decided that the Master’s program, despite my violent swings of opinion about its’ usefulness and practicality for use in the real world, is a necessity that I will not permit myself to abandon. I started it, it is a big deal, and I need to finish it. I know right down to my bones that I will forever regret it if I drop out of the program. If for no other reason, I do my best to avoid the situations that I am certain will end up in the Pile of Regrets. I have, however, for the sake of my sanity and that of the lovely S, decided to drop my awful health psychology option. I have hated it since the moment it started mid-January, and regretted not dropping it while there was no financial consequence. However, now, to make a long story short, I’m done with it. On the bright side, I did manage to get out of it before they assigned me a grade for the course, which means it won’t affect my GPA.

Hard to explain the sense of relief I feel at not having to deal with the course anymore. 2 more months of it would have been the death of me (or at least my enthusiasm for school!). I hated the chat board, I hated the way the assignments were weighted and assigned, and I hated that there was no assigned meeting time. I also hated the crazy workload for a course that didn’t even have an assigned meeting time! I won’t do another asynchronous (i.e. no lecture, no discussion, all chat boards, ugh) course option, and will I ever ward anyone who asks off of them as well! I will have to figure out what to take in its place as an elective, but those diploma level courses that I originally scoffed at are looking better and better.

I don’t always finish everything I started. I try not to quit just because it’s hard, but if a book is boring – I put it down! If a movie makes me want to poke my eyes out – I turn it off! If my food tastes bad, I stop eating it! I want to enjoy the things in life I choose to have and do. Now sometimes you do have to suck it up and get through the yuck, all for the better in the end. Sometimes I end up on the wrong path and my choices don’t lead to the best outcomes, so I change direction and see where things go. Sometimes those wrong turns end up leading to places where I have made the biggest changes, the coolest discoveries about myself and the world. So screwin’ up or packin’ it in doesn’t have to be the worst thing that happens, so long as we all just keep on movin’.

Memories and Feelings

Today was my dad's birthday. Was? Is? I don't know. When he was alive, this was his birthday.

For most girls, their first love is their dad. It was true for me. I remember when I used to be daddy's girl. It was daddy that I wanted to come downstairs and tuck me in at night. Daddy I wanted to show all of my silly drawings, and read all of my stories to. It was daddy who would toss me up to the sky and catch me while I giggled wildly. I curled up with daddy on the couch with to watch cartoons, with his big arms wrapped around me keeping me safe and warm. In grade 3 when I got 2 fingers caught in the fire doors at school, it was daddy that I screamed blue murder for the nurse to call to come and get me. He was this great big man with a giant laugh, happy smile, and endless energy... at least for the time that I was of the age to be in bed by 7 o’clock.

Of course, a daughter's hero-worship of her father eventually has to come to and end. As I got older I noticed other things. I remember falling to sleep listening to my parents yelling and screaming at one another in a fight, almost always about money. Dad yelling, saying horrible mean things to my mom, Mom screaming and crying. Their fights got physical, at least on dad's end. I have a memory of waking up hearing my parents fighting one night when I had to have been about 4, creeping upstairs and falling asleep on the landing, just out of sight of the living room where they were fighting. I don't know what they would have thought as they carried me back down to my bed later, but it turned out that he was no hero.

Dad drank, and he was abusive when he drank. He was impatient at all times, and had an incredibly low tolerance for his kids. I worked hard to stay off his radar. I always used my manners; I was an A+ student, never in trouble at school or otherwise. He loved picking on my little brother and my mother, whether or not there was a reason. I was his darling, and he didn't seem to focus his horribleness on me until I was about in sixth grade. I don't remember what I did to set him off, but one weekend afternoon when he had been drinking he slapped me hard across the face. I remember my feelings of shock, anger, disappointment, and embarrassment, my face stinging, as my mother and brother looked on. My kneejerk reaction was to scream and shove him, and he happened to be standing at the top of a half-flight of stairs. He didn't ever hit me again, but that was the end of daddy's little girl.

Dad died in the Fall of ’07 from a combination of pancreatic and liver cancer, a prize that came about after his years of alcohol abuse. I abandoned S and our plans for travel and exploration, and returned to Canada August 21st because the doctor said he only had 6-8 weeks to live - turned out he had 4. We didn’t really talk, other than the random chit-chat that strangers make. We were civil, strangers, visiting one another, listening to the birds, sitting in the early morning sun on the deck. I was there for my mom, not for him I guess – it felt weird. I cooked meals for them until he was hospitalized, set up his medications, helped him get to/from the bathroom, picked him up and cleaned him off when he fell, helped him have his baths, got the details of what he wanted for his funeral/service etc., the kind of things a caring daughter would do. I did them out of obligation, not out of love. With the state mom was in, and my brother's denial of any problems, I was the only one there who would be able to help, so I helped. I did the same at the hospital, took on half of the nursing duties, taking shifts at his bedside overnight so my mom and brother could go home and sleep. It was odd being there while he died. I felt detached, separate, and clinical. I didn't cry when he finally let go.

Since he died I continue to have mixed feelings. Mostly when I do think about it, I ricochet back and forth between indifference and anger, between “I don’t really care,” and “fuck, he was such an asshole!” Some moments I forget that it even happened, and it comes back to me without emotional attachment; it’s just a fact, an event that happened in my life. Other moments I’m mad that he was such a mean, spiteful, selfish man. I don’t miss him, though I do have regrets. I don’t have regrets for how I behaved in our relationship – I was the one who had to act like an adult all the time; I regret the kind of person he insisted on being with me, when he was someone so totally different with his friends. I’m mad that I didn’t get to have the kind of relationship I would have liked with my father. I get angry that he refused to accept me for who I am – doesn’t a daughter deserve that from her father? I’m angry that he was judgmental and closed-minded toward me and the choices I made in life – this from a man who was an abusive alcoholic when home with his family!

If I could have had anything, I wish I could have had more of that magical time back from when my Dad was my hero. I wish that as an adult I could have known the man his friends got to know - the open, caring, funny, loving, generous, kind, thoughtful , positive, helpful, energetic and fun one. I wish he had shared that side of himself with me, and I wonder frequently why I never got to share in that part of him, why he never acted that part with me.

If you take anything away from this history revisited, please take this... While you’re out there living your life, share your best with everyone, even the people who love you because they "have to". Be your shining and glorious self with everyone. Whether you know it or not, they will be glad, and they will be better people because of it. Happy birthday, dad.

Love and Satisfaction

In my flurry of inactivity last night I turned on the television and watched an episode of House. I was scribbling away in my journal at the time, winding down for bed while S was already off to work a night shift. In my journal I was continuing my attempts to unravel the roots of my educational crisis. In the middle of the episode, the conversation between a terminally ill patient and his young female doctor went something like this:

Patient: Do you like your job?
Doctor: Yes, I do. I love my job.
Patient: Really? You seem more of an, "I find it extremely satisfying," kind of person.
Doctor: It is satisfying, very satisfying.
Patient: Yes, but love is "love". Satisfying is "social validation - love can wait."

Since I was already sunken into thoughts of school, this conversation sidled in through the open door. Am I in school because I think I'm going to love the job? Or am I in school because I think the job at the end of it will be extremely satisfying?

One of the things I really work on changing about myself is my own craving for that social validation. If you asked me, I would tell you that I don't care what other people think, but in my truest of hearts, it's a lie. I like that when I tell people "I'm in the middle of grad school", I get oohs, and ahhs, and 'wow, that must be really hard's from people I talk to, especially when they find out that I'm working full time at the same time. The goal itself seems more worth the work because other people recognize it to be important. I like that it makes my mom proud to tell people what I'm up to, and that she takes pride in my reachings. Ugh, I am still that little girl who needs the pat on the head and the, "good job, honey!" from her mommy, or the star on the board from the teacher!

With that thought newly in my head, that my real reason for finally going to grad school could be to get the social validation that goes with it, I wanted to throw my laptop out into the snowbank and run off to Mexico to become a starfish. I am an educated, confident, independent woman. Surely I wouldn't have made this big of a decision, this big of a committment of time and money, in order to get approval, to get social validation... would I?

As we grow and change, our goals and values also change. I no longer want to be a ballet dancer, a marine biologist, a fireman, a doctor, a vet, or a lawyer. But psychologist, now that one has hung on. All of my image makers, the people who you listen to growing up when they tell you how they see you in the future, saw me as a counselor, a helper, a psychologist. I have been on the road to my master's, with all of its' twists and turns, since high school. I'm sure my yearbook says something about my becoming a psychologist. It's what I've "always" wanted to do. My 14-year old self embraced that idea with her whole heart, perhaps in a way that I haven't done since.

So here I am: tank full of gas, driving down that road, my destination finally beginning to arise on the horizon. That nagging feeling that I should look up from the road, look around, is finally sinking into my thoughts. My biggest suspicion is that if I check out my reflection in the rearview mirror, my 14 year old self is still driving the car, looking for that feeling of satisfaction, as yet unaware of the magic in the possiblities of love.

Your network cable is unplugged

Do we all live in a state of disconnect, or is it just me? At some point we decide that we want something, and we make choices that head us in that direction. Then, we suddenly turn into goldfish, no memory of where we just came from or where we were headed. At least this has been my experience. Lately, I find myself walking down these paths that I began with good intentions, and I have no idea why I'm still on them, or where I thought I was headed when I began. While I find myself pondering many paths in my life, I'm currently lost and aimless on my way down the road to grad school.

Grad school is an important decision, right? People respect the educational endeavor of graduate studies. Everybody is excited for me. I was excited for me, on my way to becoming part of a respected profession, becoming a psychologist. It means something – people care about what kind of education you have. It’s something I can always remember wanting to do (at least since high school anyway). I have looked at lots of programs over the years, but mostly thought myself destined to a job helping people somehow. Counseling and social work programs are always what I looked into, and different areas of psychology. I was accepted into each program I applied for (3 in the U.S., and one here), but for different reasons didn't go right away. While S and I were still in Korea, I found the local online program for school psychology. I didn't know very much about the job itself, but didn't think I needed much extra information: psychology, in a school - what more do you need, right?

I applied and was accepted, my first semester started in May '08. When I applied to the course, I didn't have a plan for how I was going to pay tuition (almost $1,000 per month). I didn't know that tuition is almost triple that of what on-campus students pay. I didn't know at the time that school psychologists do psychological testing on children that they don't know, they only see during testing sessions, and they have to produce a 'code' in the final paragraph of the report at the end of it to keep the school board happy – not necessarily to help the child do better in school, just to get the school their allotted funding, based on the child’s diagnosis. Now I'm in the final term of my first year. I have 10 more courses that run $1,150 each, and one year of a practicum that is also going to cost me $1,150 per term (for nothing back from the university), and I have NO IDEA WHY I'm still in the program. If I work as a psychologist for the health region, (a "good" paying government job), do you know that I will only make $6-$8 extra per hour than I do right now, but I have to spend nearly 20K to do it?! So why do I continue?

I'm frustrated with the program, and don't feel like I'm learning anything that's going to be useful professionally. I’m annoyed that the only measurement is through papers, which I hate writing. It's expensive, and takes up my free time, and all of my available money. I'm working as a psychometrist, actually doing the testing that I'm training to do in my graduate program - and getting paid for it already. I can’t have the qualification title of psychologist without finishing my degree, but right now I’m not even sure I want it! I started something important, and I should finish it - you just don't change your mind and quit these things half-way through.

I’m having some kind of educational meltdown. Is it just a tantrum? Is it just because I don’t want to do the work of the courses I’m in now? Am I upset about a bad grade? How do I get back on my path, or make the right path clearer? How do I get back in touch with what I was really going for, my original goal? Should I take some time off, an educational leave for awhile until I figure things out? Off to bury my head in a snow drift for a bit - maybe that will help.

My Very Own Bucket List

I saw a friend's post on facebook today, and it asked for a return of her post which was entitled "Bucket List". I started to respond to it (copy and paste it on my own note page, checking off which things applied to me), but then I stopped. The list was really not full of things that mattered to the friend who posted it, just to the original creator (if even to that person?). It was full of things that didn't really matter to me either. For example, going ice fishing isn't something I want to do, nor is going to an NFL game. So why the heck would I repost it on my page - to see which one of us had checked off more things??

I have done some things and been some places that I would have liked to have on my bucket list (but have already finished them, so wouldn't put them on). I have learned to scuba dive; competed (and won!) in a choir and as a soloist; held a tiger cub; ate seafood just out of the ocean; visited to the Great Wall; taught indoor rock climbing; had Chinese food in China, Thai in Thailand, and Indian in India; volunteered in a cancer hospital; fell in love and got married; have seen Angkor Wat; have gone scuba diving in Thailand and the Philippines; climbed a (small) mountain; swam in the ocean; climbed through underground tunnels used in the Vietnam war; visited the Terra Cotta Warriors while they were on display in Daejeon; gone sky diving; been on a jet boat, a ferry, and a catamaran; got a tattoo; swam with dolphins; visited North Korea before they closed it to the public; taken a canoe trip through a rainforest; rode an elephant; went scuba diving with (well-fed) sharks and sea turtles; ate an orange right off the tree; gone to the waterslides; been in a helicopter; tried ice climbing (yuck!); had a picnic outside; played in a waterfall; went horseback riding; been to a vineyard (in California); been to Disneyland (US and Japan); rode a jet-ski; visited the Taj Mahal; worked and volunteered helping children in trouble; taken an around-the-world trip; sponsored an international child; sang karaoke with a group of friends; done home renovations; have driven across Canada, across the northern US, and North-South Alberta to Arizona in the US; rode in a tuktuk/rikshaw; had clothing tailored for me in Vietnam; been on 3 different continents... I'll add to this list when I think to, to remind myself that I have done a lot of cool things already in life...

It did get me thinking though, that there are a zillion different things I would like to do in this lifetime, and maybe now's a good time to start writing them down somewhere! My wife, S, has a Bucket List of sorts. I think it began as a list of a hundred things she wanted to accomplish. Her rule is that she has to cross off 5 things per year, and add 10 - her list will be ever expanding, and she will always have things to reach for. I'm going to follow her lead, and see if I can (eek!) come up with a hundred things to start with, without consulting the web or looking in books... my own ideas for the first 100. So here we go...

My Very Own Bucket List
To grow by 10 each year, and shrink by *at least* 5

As I complete things on the list I will change their color, and add the date!

1. Finish my master's degree
2. Become fluent in Korean
3. See something from at least 6 of the 7 continents (antarctica, not sure!)
4. Creat a list of 100 books I would like to read
5. Learn piano
6. Learn functional Spanish
7. Enter a 5km race and finish it
8. Enter a 10km race and finish it
9. Make myself a nice dress
10. Plant a garden of wildflowers (June '09)
11. Take a yoga class and finish it
12. Experience Bikram yoga to see if I like it
13. Learn to make 3 Korean dishes well
14. Creat a list of one hundred places I'd like to visit
15. Be certified as an Advanced Open Water Diver
16. Be certified as a Divemaster
17. Take the 4-week course in Thailand to finish diving certification to become an Instructor/Course Director
18. Dive the Great Barrier Reef
19. Have a baby, become a mamma
20. Start a diveshop with an attached coffee/sandwich shop somewhere hot and beautiful
21. Go on a temple stay to a Buddhist Temple
22. Learn how to fly a plane
23. Learn how to sail
24. Ride a camel in the desert
25. Kayak into a cave to explore
26. Dive a shipwreck
27. See a big angelfish in the wilds
28. Lounge on a beach along the mediterranean
29. Make a trek through a desert
30. Exercise regularly (3 times per week) as a habit
31. Grow a vegetable garden (June '09)
32. Skate in Central Park
33. Live in India
34. Go to Mardi Gras
35. Visit an old section of the Great Wall, and hike along it
36. Spend a 3-day pass exploring Angkor Wat in SiemReap
37. Scuba dive somewhere in Canada
38. Spend the day at a spa luxuriating in spa treatments
39. Take a sketching class
40. Take a digital photography course
41. See the terra cotta warriors in China
42. Explore the pyramids and the sphinx in Egypt
43. Learn to surf
44. Take S to a WorldCup soccer game
45. Go to Machu Picchu
46. Study a martial art (for at least 6 months)
47. Ride a motorcycle in Vietnam
48. Go cliff diving
49. Keep a travel journal
50. Learn how to bellydance
51. Take a hot-air balloon ride
52. Learn to play badduk
53. Camp in a country other than Canada or the US
54. Go horseback riding in the mountains
55. See the Grand Canyon, take a horseback ride through it if possible
56. Carve something nice out of wood
57. Take my mom on a vacation somewhere
58. Go on a multi-day kayaking trip somewhere beautiful
59. Visit a floating village
60. See a cave of crystal
61. Keep a journal going for one year (electronic or paper)
62. Design and make a piece of jewelery
63. Take a wilderness survival course
64. Order lunch from a floating market vendor
65. Learn how to paint with watercolors
66. Consult a medicine person or traditional healer
67. Ride in a horse-drawn carriage
68. Go parasailing
69. Go spelunking
70. Teach scuba diving
71. Take a cruise somewhere (maybe when I'm old!) :)
72. Learn to be a decent chess player
73. Visit a tribe of people somewhere who still live traditionally
74. Learn to make paper with flowers
75. Visit the ruins of a famous Greek/Roman temple
76. Learn to ballroom dance and perform in front of people
77. Take a gondola in Venice
78. Go on a photo safari on a wildlife preserve in Africa somewhere
79. Participate in an active (i.e. real) archaeological dig
80. Go to Carnival in Brazil
81. Live in Italy
82. See an otter playing in the wild
83. Build a birdfeeder that birds actually use
84. Take some great photos underwater
85. Go rafting (whitewater or not)
86. Live on an island somewhere
87. Volunteer in a country other than Canada
88. Climb to the top of a "famous" mountain
89. Become a "Dr." of something (psychology? counseling? teaching? photography?)
90. Learn a song in a foreign language
91. Grow my own roses
92. Maintain my blog on a regular basis
93. Host a dinner party for friends
94. Get a henna design done on my hand or foot in India
95. Sell some of my hand-made cards
96. Live somewhere in Africa
97. Visit a volcano
98. Go on a bicycle tour
99. Try snowboarding
100. Go to the coliseum in Rome
     (2009 List)

Ok, I did it, all by myself (harder than it might look!). So there, is my list. My head is still crawling with ideas - I need to make my lists of places to go now, and I'll start thinking about books I would like to read! Now though, I am going to go clean up the kitchen and listen to some music. Have a beautiful day!

25 Random Things About Me!

1. I LOVE garlic - I think almost everything (except maybe chocolate, toothpaste, and coffee!) should have garlic in it.

2. I HATE winter, and being cold.

3. My hair has been some version of a different color every 6 weeks for the past 16 years

4. I am studying the Korean language with Rosetta Stone.

5. Piles of dog hair that drift into the corners totally gross me out. Totally, as in "makes me gag," bile in the throat, the whole thing.

6. Scrapbooking/making cards, and singing make my heart happy.

7. If I could quit my job tomorrow and do anything I want, I would sell/give away everything just to travel, and experience living other coutries.

8. I've been engaged twice, married once, and still wish I were single sometimes.

9. Pyjamas are my favorite clothes - they're unnecessary for sleeping, but I love wearing them around the house!

10. I love Canada, but I think living here requires an unequal exchange of work/play; there are places in the world where you don't have work so hard/so long to have a good life. I feel claustrophobic and trapped living in Canada.

11. Though I am in the middle of my master's, I am not sure it's what I want to do with my life.

12. I love the little brown dog the most.

13. I think everyone should be forced to travel for at least a month away from home, to any country unlike their own, so they have an expanded sense of what the world and the people in it are really like.

14. I love to lay in the sun on spongy soft luxurious grass in the summer.

15. I can (and sometimes do!) listen to Jack Johnson for hours and hours in a row - and I know all the words!

16. Korean food is heavenly.

17. 2 of our dogs (who moved here with us from Korea) have more airmiles than most of our family!

18. I have no desire to buy a house and have a mortgage. I get the economics of it, but I don't want anything to do with it.

19. I love camping trips with friends.

20. The best fruit in the world is fresh (or canned!) BC cherries.

21. I have lived at more than 30 different addresses in the past 10 years.

22. I love my friends more than I'll ever be able to make them understand (new and old ones), but suck at keeping in touch.

23. I often judge a country by its' food.

24. Running is fun, and makes me feel great - when I can get out and do it!

25. I dream of opening a 5* dive shop on a beach in a beautiful, hot country... I'll teach all levels of scuba, run tours to nearby islands, and have a side-bar coffee/sandwich shop; at the same time I will consult a few times a week for kids in the local expat educational community.