Do we all live in a state of disconnect, or is it just me? At some point we decide that we want something, and we make choices that head us in that direction. Then, we suddenly turn into goldfish, no memory of where we just came from or where we were headed. At least this has been my experience. Lately, I find myself walking down these paths that I began with good intentions, and I have no idea why I'm still on them, or where I thought I was headed when I began. While I find myself pondering many paths in my life, I'm currently lost and aimless on my way down the road to grad school.Grad school is an important decision, right? People respect the educational endeavor of graduate studies. Everybody is excited for me. I was excited for me, on my way to becoming part of a respected profession, becoming a psychologist. It means something – people care about what kind of education you have. It’s something I can always remember wanting to do (at least since high school anyway). I have looked at lots of programs over the years, but mostly thought myself destined to a job helping people somehow. Counseling and social work programs are always what I looked into, and different areas of psychology. I was accepted into each program I applied for (3 in the U.S., and one here), but for different reasons didn't go right away. While S and I were still in Korea, I found the local online program for school psychology. I didn't know very much about the job itself, but didn't think I needed much extra information: psychology, in a school - what more do you need, right?
I applied and was accepted, my first semester started in May '08. When I applied to the course, I didn't have a plan for how I was going to pay tuition (almost $1,000 per month). I didn't know that tuition is almost triple that of what on-campus students pay. I didn't know at the time that school psychologists do psychological testing on children that they don't know, they only see during testing sessions, and they have to produce a 'code' in the final paragraph of the report at the end of it to keep the school board happy – not necessarily to help the child do better in school, just to get the school their allotted funding, based on the child’s diagnosis. Now I'm in the final term of my first year. I have 10 more courses that run $1,150 each, and one year of a practicum that is also going to cost me $1,150 per term (for nothing back from the university), and I have NO IDEA WHY I'm still in the program. If I work as a psychologist for the health region, (a "good" paying government job), do you know that I will only make $6-$8 extra per hour than I do right now, but I have to spend nearly 20K to do it?! So why do I continue?
I'm frustrated with the program, and don't feel like I'm learning anything that's going to be useful professionally. I’m annoyed that the only measurement is through papers, which I hate writing. It's expensive, and takes up my free time, and all of my available money. I'm working as a psychometrist, actually doing the testing that I'm training to do in my graduate program - and getting paid for it already. I can’t have the qualification title of psychologist without finishing my degree, but right now I’m not even sure I want it! I started something important, and I should finish it - you just don't change your mind and quit these things half-way through.
I’m having some kind of educational meltdown. Is it just a tantrum? Is it just because I don’t want to do the work of the courses I’m in now? Am I upset about a bad grade? How do I get back on my path, or make the right path clearer? How do I get back in touch with what I was really going for, my original goal? Should I take some time off, an educational leave for awhile until I figure things out? Off to bury my head in a snow drift for a bit - maybe that will help.
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