Missing You

3 years have passed

since you died

they have been long years

and every day I have missed you

Your birthday is coming

and my heart weighs a little bit more

Funny (or sad) how

you just don't know

quite how much

someone really means to you

until you don't get to see them again

I will always remember

your surprise trip down to see me

the tentative phone call
when you came home on leave

and the trouble we managed to get into

when I headed up your way
for a little more time together

before you went back

the following week

I remember so many things

but that was the last time
I saw you, touched you,
looked in your eyes

The late night phone call

from the desert
once you were gone again

You were missing me
and I cried
I wake up with a start

in the still and quiet dark

expecting you
hearing your voice on the line

still

I wish every day that you hadn't

gone back to Afghanistan

no matter how much you wanted to

and felt it to be the right thing
I hate that dusty place I've never seen
for taking you away

But like you always said,

it is what it is right?

And being what it is,

I just wanted you to know

that I'm still missing you

xox

A little bit 'o retail therapy

     I woke up this morning in an ok/so-so kinda mood, and bumbled around until I finished up a cuppa coffee and a few pages of Plain Truth (ok so far, tho not spectacular yet). I thought about going for a run, but honestly didn't manage to muster up the energy to do it. Then I decided it was time to get off my butt n' go shopping (had to pick up some stuff for the house).
     I got some groceries, yums for the bird and dogs, coffee, normal kinds of things... then I 'happened' by the sports wear section and ended up with a few TOTALLY cute new tops/bottoms that will work for yoga, the gym, and running (multi taking clothes, woohoo!)... and then I wandered over and picked up a few new skivvies (so I can do some much needed retiring of the oldies when I get home!). Had some yummy junk food for lunch, checked out my favorite dollar store (WHICH I might add is ALREADY stocked for C*h*r*i*s*t*m*a*s - where the frig do I live???!!!!!) and then drove back to town with the sun shining down, sunroof open, hair flying all over the place, singing along with the radio blastin' some summer tunes - what a great day so far!
     Maybe it's because it's beautiful outside and finally feels like summer again today, but how come I always feel so much better after shopping? Maybe it has something to do with the old hunting and gathering days, the satisfying feeling of bringing home my 'catch' at the end of a hunting expedition, haha. So now all I need to do is figure out how to feel this good WITHOUT spending hundreds of dollars at a time!!!! 
     Good thing I have a good job I guess!   ;)   Hope your day is beautiful!

Ha!

1. Put library books in a neat pile (or 4!) in the office
2. Put away other random papers in kitchen and living room

3. Put away clean dishes from the dishwasher
4. Put dirty dishes into the dishwasher
5. Wipe the counters and stovetop
6. Check the fridge – any science experiments?
7. Sweep: office, hallway, bathroom, bedroom, living room, kitchen

8. Spray mop the kitchen floor

9. Wash the kitchen windows

10. Clean out the birdcage and change water/food

11. Tidy up the bookshelf, put scrappin’ stuff on one shelf
12. Make a grocery list for the supermarket and walmart
13. Empty garbages and take out the trash
14. Fill the birdfeeder outside and put out fresh water
15. Move all the lawn furniture and water the lawn
16. Put back the lawn furniture
17. Return the VSU phone
18. Mail textbook back to school


Ha! I have a feeling of accomplishment, and the house looks better! Between 12:30 and 2:15 I managed to get through the list (with one exception that will be cured later tonight!) and have a shower, get dressed and all that!


Now tomorrow, sleepin' in, coffee and a book on the couch... that makes a Sunday these days...


Sigh... and this is my life.

Saturday

I lay here on the loveseat
beneath my laptop
fingers perched, ready, above the keys
my face, eyes squinting
reflected in the screen
and traffic hums by outside


I have a to-do list on the counter
I still haven't hit the shower
the dogs are barking outside
(bad dogs!)
and the bird's cage needs cleaning


I started this day with good intentions
to do more than nothing
but so far here I lay
sinking deeper into the couch
and nothing is winning

seasons change

Every morning this week the fog has been so thick that it seems I should be able to touch it, brush it away with my hand. Out my window you would swear there should be an ocean harbour, boats rocking gently in early morning waters. All you'd really see is a lawn, beyond that a field, beyond that a road lined by a barbed wire fence, and beyond that farmland. The nearest water is treatment plant freshwater resevoir a few clicks north.

This morning when I walked up to the door at work, a flock of 62 geese (yes, I really counted them (not my photo btw, found it online) as I stood fixed in the parking lot) flew over my head, already headed south for the winter. If I remember rightly, they didn't even get here until June this year, a bit behind schedule, and somehow watching the beginning of their departure now, in August, leaves me feeling desolate, sad and lonely. The beauty of the sunrise (which usually makes me stop a second to pause and marvel) was lost on me this morning when I looked out the window from my bed. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I got to wake with sun on my face, as it tickled my chin like a cat, gently and playfully rousing me from dreams. Now, the sun is barely on the horizon when I wake, and in a couple of weeks it will be dark on my morning run to work, and then even as I sit at my desk and start my day. It seems strange to say, but I feel like I'm losing a friend to the darkness.

Seasons change, every year, it is inevitable I know this. Our winter is long here in the prairie, staying from about October or November through April or May, bringing with it the darkness, which hangs outside my windows while I wake up, and returns before it is time to go home at the end of the day. Spring comes for May and June, Summer is here for July and part of August, and then Fall for 2 months to take us back to 6-8 m.o.n.t.h.s of winter.

Before I had lived somewhere else, somewhere Spring comes in March, Summer stays until October, and Winter only starts to peek out around Christmas, I never put much thought into our seasons. Before I spent time in Florida, India, the Philippines and other incredible places in SE Asia and found an endless summer, I never went much beyond simply resenting the -40 temperatures and the days of plugging my car in. Now as the briefest summer in my recollection starts to pull up post for Fall, it seems as though my home sweet home has lost its sweetness, and I long for greener (and warmer) pastures.

I look out the window now and the fog has nearly lifted as the sun starts to rise, painting a soft pink line along the horizon in a pale blue early morning sky. The lawn starts to sparkle as the dew catches a bit of early morning light, and the wheat field across the road is standing blonde and lovely. While the beauty of the prairies is not totally lost on me, I think this morning I will spend my coffee time planning a vacation...

I Heart Summer

I need to make a list of all the places that are eternally summer, and start planning how I am going to move there. I resent the fact right now that although we have had only 2 1/2 weeks of nice weather this year it is already dark when I wake up in the morning, and I already had to put an extra blanket on the bed. I mean, I know I live in Canada, but this is really just not cool. Some of our neighbourhood trees already have yellow leaves that fall down and surround the car every morning.

It's A-U-G-U-S-T!

Maybe I just need a new perspective on things, but Thailand sounds good, better and better in fact (and I never did get up to the northern areas)... or there's Peru, the Philippines, Fiji, Bali...

Ahhhhh, I see...

cat sleeping across both feet...
white dog sleeping on left hip...
small brown dog sleeping on chest...
S. sleeping tucked around right leg and holding right arm and hand...

explains the dreams

My Attic Door

for safekeeping
for I'll-think-about-it-later-because-I-can't-bear-another-minute-of-it-right-now
for careful, don't lose it this time,
for safe harbour
for out-of-sight-out-of-mind
I put things away
in the attic

last time I put the treasure away
wrapped round with a delicate purple scarf
nestled in with the tiny plastic dancer
latched tight in a small white box
at the bottom of a chest
in the room piled high with chests of treasure
where the dust settles to cover my footprints
as the door is closed
and locked behind me
but my attic door
never stays closed,
even when I'm sure
I locked it
the things put away
can be found in places
where I know
I did not leave them
that is if they can be found again
at all
like love...
last spring I put it away
somewhere safe
wrapped in that soft purple scarf
so it wouldn't get lost
so I could think about it
so I could keep it
and get back to it later
when things were different
or different-er
but I forgot just where I put it
to keep it safe

then I remembered the spot
and rushed back to reclaim it
but the wisps and tendrils had escaped
sneaked out through the cracks
leaving the locket
empty

perhaps I need to look
at getting
that old lock
fixed
clear out
some of
what's waiting for later
because time
really doesn't
matter

Only Questions...

? How do you move forward when you part of you knows the answer to a question, part of you blinds itself to it, and you're too scared to act on it?

? What do you do when you've made changes to what you need and what you seek from a relationship so that you can live well enough within it, and then the other half of your relationship later wants to return to what it was before, or could have been, when you can't?

? What do you do when that happens too late, and in making those changes you let go of wanting, needing, or welcoming any of those connections?

? How do you keep on top of the aching sorrow and grief that threaten to smother you after your every half-hearted smile, every silent reply, every swallowed tear?

? How long do you drift along waiting to see if you feel differently, when you don't?

? How do you look in the eyes of the person you love, the eyes that scan and seek for any thread of hope in your own, without giving away the depths of grief and loneliness you harbour in your heart?

? When is listening to the gentle voice inside you that tells you "enough now, it's time" the courageous thing to do, rather than the cowardly thing to do?

? How do you say "there's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can say," to the one who is trying to do, and say, and be, everything?