Peace, Love, Patience and Fluidity with the Universe - Part I

I never thought it was going to be easy. Honestly, and I mean this as kindly as it can be said, I don't really like being around sick people. I hate the smell of sickness and death. It is so hard for me to look into eyes every day that have lost their spark for life. I'm not a big fan of doctors, and I don't like hospitals. I hate things that can't be clearly defined in the medical world, of which there are many. I’m tired of trying to help people that don’t really want my help. If he weren't my dad, I wouldn't be here doing what I'm doing.


2 weeks ago tomorrow, I came to Alberta back from Korea after getting news that my Dad was sick... On that Saturday I talked to my Mom and got news that Dad was sick, going in for a CT Scan; The following Tuesday I got word that it was cancer, pancreatic cancer that had spread to cause lesions on his liver, and the doctors said he had 3-6 months to live... Mom said I didn't need to come home, to wait until we knew more about it, how advanced it was, that Dad wasn't doing too bad. I started making my changes of plans that night (I’m a planner, like to have an “outline” of a plan, if not a definite one)... I would finish my contract teaching in Korea a bit early, do the course I had planned in Arizona, go with S to a friend's wedding in Mexico, and then be home in the first week of November. That felt reasonable, unrushed. S and I talked about it, she said she thought maybe I should be going home sooner, I said I'd think about it...

The next day, Wednesday, I talked to Mom again, and I talked to Dad. He didn't sound too bad, a little preoccupied maybe, but not too bad... when I told him I'd be home at the end of October, and not to go anywhere in the meantime, he said "yah, I'll do my best I guess". I hung up the phone feeling sick to my stomach, replaying in my head that I'd just told my dad, who just received news he is dying within the next 6 months, that I'd be home "in a couple of months", certainly leaving the message that I didn’t think it was really important that he was dying... I decided that I had to go home then. I had already talked to my boss about leaving right before the Fall holidays, kinda like the Korean Thanksgiving time, and we had things pretty much arranged, he handled it with only a minimal amount of stammering and chart-drawing (like he is wont to do when he is stressed, or trying to make more time to think). I talked to him again on Thursday morning, told him I had new news that Dad was sicker than they thought, and I needed to go home then, as soon as he could book me a ticket. You can imagine how big his eyes got, and the way he stammered, trying to work out in his head how he was going to make that happen, but he was pretty good about it... everyone at work was really good about it. I felt really bad leaving so quickly, with so little notice, without everything wrapped up, but there wasn't a lot of choice for me. Family comes first. I wouldn’t have said that was the case if you had asked me earlier in the month; I would likely have told you that family comes next after whatever I wanted… it turned out the be something I didn’t realize was true for me, until this happened. Instead, it turns out, Family does come first.