And We'll All Float On, Ok...

My last few days have been a little discontented and disoriented, like I've realized that I no longer have any idea which way is up.  A couple of days where I am forced to remain in place give a girl a lot of time to think.  Is this a good thing?  I don't know.

I am travelling in a country where men and women have very different relationships and social rules compared to where I come from, and that is stressing me out.  People (i.e. men) are friendly, but they are often friendly with follow-up - please find someone to pay for surgery for my sick niece; please take my mother to Canada with you, she can cook and clean for you and you can just pay her a dollar a day and give her room and board; please let me come with you to Canada and live there; here, please accept these 15 text messages of love poems because I love you and will die without you even though we only talked once a week ago my heart is changed forever... the last couple of days it's been wearing on me a bit, so I'm hiding away from it all until tomorrow when I get back on the road, where I will endeavor to bring my patience.

The other day I opened my alternate email account, which I haven't checked in over a month (I never use it anymore.  I don't use it because pretty much the only messages I get are from the university, newsletters and on campus student stuff (which I am not part of) and I'm not in classes right now so I didn't think there would be any big news coming through those channels that I wouldn't get in the general group mails that go to my main account.

Well, that assumption was made in error.  My inbox had a note from the university that was sent a few weeks ago telling me that my presence is requested at a practicum back home on campus for 2 months beginning the first week of July in my hometown. 

The tone of the email/letter is friendly and informational, but it seemed to me that the "requested" part was actually more of a "required, or we will terminate your position in the program" kind of request.  I sent an email to find out exactly what it was they were asking me, and I await the answer.  I am meant to be traveling through the end of July, but I will not lose my position in the program over my gallivanting.

I am a little miffed about another "thing" being tossed into the air in front of me, but overall I'm happy I read the email before it was too late to do anything about it.  At least now I have time to find out the real deal and make plans accordingly, if anything indeed does need to be done.

I have intentionally not been thinking about home; not been thinking about plans, about returning home after a year and a half, about not having a job, about not having any idea what I'll do with myself when I get there, about school, about any of it - purposeful avoidance in order to maintain some kind of equilibrium in my own mind.  

I am feeling like a feather blown about in the wind, spiralling and floating and not sure where I'll land when the breezes stop. 

I don't enjoy it, this being unsure part, so I'm going back to ignoring it and not thinking about it for now... I need some time to just float on...

Float On (Modest Mouse)